Politics, Power Plays and Conflict
Sharon Feltham, Excellerate
During my military career I stumbled around the wilds of Waiouru learning the craft of navigation. With map in one hand and a compass in the other, we would calculate the “true” position by taking bearings from two prominent features. I came to learn how powerful this method was in ensuring our safety and the success of our “mission”. Short cuts and miscalculations (and there were many) would result in demoralising failure as we wasted precious time and energy slogging through the desert to get back on course.
The navigational method I’m referring to is triangulation and it wasn’t until later in life that I discovered that we tend to navigate our relationships in very much the same manner, and with very similar results.
We either calculate our true position with accuracy or we act carelessly, choosing instead the seemingly easier route, only to find ourselves off course and losing ground. When this occurs in the workplace we become sucked into the energy sapping, time wasting, petty conflicts and game playing politics that plague organizations.
This dynamic, also called triangulation, is a fact of everyday organisational life and because it’s so common, so destructive and so difficult to deal with I’ll be covering it in depth in following newsletters. I hope the insight and strategies in the next series of articles help you to navigate your relationships and lead your team a lot more successfully than I did mine back in the days of the Rangipo desert.
Part One: How to Avoid Being Caught in the Middle
What
Game 1: Jill constantly complains to her colleagues about their boss. He’s demanding, overly critical, and never acknowledges how hard she works. While some in the team are supportive and lend a sympathetic ear the others are fed up with her constant whinging. The boss carries on as usual, Jill remains unhappy, the team is divided and the atmosphere becomes increasingly strained.
Game 2: Jack corners Jill following the team’s weekly meeting criticising John’s handling of the project and his decision to double overtime. John asks Jill to join him in talking to others in the team and their union rep to get the decision overturned.
What’s really going on here?
When tensions emerge between two people and where one person is unable to talk to the other they will seek to diffuse the tension by speaking to a third person. They offload by criticizing, complaining and venting their frustrations in the hope that the third person will take their side. When a third person is successfully recruited into taking sides, it’s called triangulation. The three now find themselves caught in a game with three distinct roles with varying levels of power.
The Persecutor (The Position of Power)
The bad guys i.e. Jill’s tyrannical boss and John the deadline driven team leader
The Victim (The Position of Vulnerability)
The innocent victims of the persecutors i.e. Jack and Jill
The Rescuer (The Position of Responsibility)
The third party helpers - Jill’s colleagues and then Jill as she shifts from the Victim in one game to the Rescuer in Jack’s game.
Every one us takes on these roles from time to time and most of us have a favourite position. When we play the role of either Persecutor or Rescuer, we violate others' boundaries. When we are in the Victim role, we feel as if someone has violated one of our boundaries
When triangulation is in full swing, it’s not uncommon for players to change roles amongst themselves, often with confusing speed. They can even change roles as they introduce other “players”. For example, as the alliance between the original Victim and Rescuer strengthens the Persecutor becomes the Victim as they in turn recruit their own Rescuer. The game intensifies as more and more players take up their positions to form an intricate maze of triangles.
When we find ourselves drawn into the triangle our desire to help can over ride our better judgment. We find ourselves telling them what they would like to hear, "Yes, your boss really is an arrogant, incompetent tyrant”. And yet the very second we do this we buy into the game. We become the third point in the triangle and are now just as much part of the original problem as the other two players.
So What?
Spreading the tension in a relationship by introducing the third person can stabilize the system but nothing gets resolved.
Triangulation is a symptom of our inability to resolve conflict directly. Victims vent but don’t address the original source of conflict to solve the problem.
Triangulation only makes matters worse. It damages relationships and destroys trust, causing deep divisions between people and teams. It creates “Us and Them”
When we get caught up in the game professionally it’s not only exhausting and stressful, it can damage reputations and careers.
When we understand and learn to recognize triangulation for what it is, not only can we deal with it more effectively but we can then manage our own triangulating tendencies.
Now What?
When you find yourself being drawn into a triangle as a Rescuer you have three choices:
1. Play the game and live with the consequences,
2. Distance yourself from the situation, or
3. Shift from the triangulating victim enabler to coach facilitator
From Enabler to Facilitator
When someone attempts to triangulate through you, you can adopt a more constructive approach and help the person to move out of the victim role when you opt to act as a facilitator.
Avoid Taking Sides
Establish your boundaries, let them know you’re there as a sounding board and problem solving partner
Listen, acknowledge their fears and frustrations
Paraphrase to make sure you really understand, and to help them get a clearer perspective
Be careful though, your intention is to help them clear emotions not wallow in them
Remember there are always “two sides to every story”
Calculate the “True Position”
Encourage them to explore and own their own part in whatever isn’t working
Encourage them to see the problem through the lens of their “persecutor”
(Consider that the so-called persecutor may be oblivious to the situation)
Provide an alternate point of view and be brave enough to surface the tough stuff
Work on finding the intersection of the differing points of view
Keep the Problem with the Person
Eliminate excuses by focusing on what can be done
Shift into problem solving, identify and explore options
Choose one and then help them to make a plan to put it into action
Work with them to frame their feedback so that it's less judgemental and accusatory eg “I’d appreciate more feedback so that…” vs “You never tell me anything!”
The Pay Off
This process encourages healthy triangulation. It also requires you to be the better person but there’s a major pay off. Not only are you helping to prevent a lot of unnecessary stress and conflict; you preserve your reputation and integrity. Remember, if a victim can hook you into talking about someone else behind their back they are much more likely talk about you to someone else.
Coming Up: In the next newsletter (
Part 2) we’ll take a much closer look at the Victim role, what makes them tick, their power plays, when problem solving wont work and when all else fails, how to quit the game.
Answers in your Inbox
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