Part 2: Politics, Power Plays and Conflict
Sharon Feltham, Excellerate
In last month's newsletter (
How to avoid being caught in the middle) I introduced you to the game of triangulation. I outlined the steps you can take to avoid being sucked into the world of power plays, politics and interpersonal conflict - and the career-sabotaging role of rescuer.
If only life were as simple and as straightforward as this. Unfortunately there will be times when even your best efforts will fall short. The game continues and you find yourself caught in the never-ending saga of a really bad soap opera.
In this month’s article I’ll explain why this happens and what more you can do to quit the drama. I hope it helps you to become a little more courageous because you have more power than you realize when it comes to changing the game.
Part 2: How to Change the Game
What
Each of the three roles within a triangulated relationship, Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer hold varying degrees of power. The role of Victim is described as the position of vulnerability and yet this is misleading because it’s surprisingly powerful. It’s helpful then to view this power from two perspectives:
1: The Victim is caught in an internal force.
Much of our victim behaviour is learnt early in life. We are often unaware of this conditioning and how it affects our view of the world. It becomes the lens through which we perceive people, relationships and situations, and so we act accordingly. This becomes a reinforcing cycle, so whenever we experience tension or conflict with another person, we slip unconsciously and automatically into the role of Victim.
2: The Victim wields power through the manipulation of others
Victims become very skilful at manipulating people in their lives:
They tell their story in such a compelling way that it guilts others into taking sides and the role of Rescuer
They reduce options by offering only one of two choices i.e. you’re either for me or against me
They offer only one point of view that’s filtered through their victim mentality
They control information by with holding and censoring
They produce convincing evidence that the persecutor is taking advantage of them
These are the emotional hooks which draw us into the role of Rescuer creating the third point in the triangle and thereby escalating the game.
So What
The triangulating game playing Victim can hook anyone. It’s helpful then to know what you can do in the first instance to prevent yourself from becoming hooked as a Rescuer and secondly to recognise that even though you may try to manage this situation through coaching and facilitation, you wont always resolve the problem.
Now What?
People, who have mastered the victim role, have had years of practising avoidance and manipulation. They will have developed a deeply ingrained habit of drawing in people to solve their problems, consequently they won’t have developed the interpersonal, communication or negotiation skills to confront or resolve differences. Where this is the case you can consider acting as a mediator. Key to this role is remaining neutral by not becoming emotionally hooked by either the persecutor or victim.
Avoid the trap of doing the work for either the victim or persecutor
Avoid listening to one side privately - it compromises your neutrality, making you less useful as a mediator.
If you’re not comfortable or you feel you lack the skills for this role, suggest someone else e.g. a more experienced colleague or someone from Human Resources.
If this is too formal or too public offer to help them write a well-balanced letter outlining their concerns with an invitation to meet face-to-face.
Suggest they get coaching or attend training to build their skills and confidence
When the person continues to resist and persist
People will stay and play the victim role as long as they find it rewarding. The attention and support they receive helps them to feel better about themselves, and it can protect them from dealing with their issues and changing their behaviour.
Whatever the reason, you’ll recognize you’re caught in this situation when the person agrees with you about what “should be done” while producing convincing reasons why it “can’t be done”. You may also find that as you try to help them work with their Persecutor they may shift their attention from you and attempt to hook someone else into the Rescuer role. It’s frustrating and disappointing but remember that you’re actually asking the person to change decades of deeply ingrained conditioning, which can be painful, difficult and slow.
Beyond acting as a responsible colleague it’s unrealistic to invest your time and energy in someone who is not yet ready to change, and (unless you’re a therapist) you won’t have the skills to address the real issues behind the behaviour.
When you’ve reached this point and your Victim continues to pull you into the triangle, excuse yourself gracefully.
Explain that you can’t continue to be involved while they’re not in a place to work on resolving the problem with you.
Leave the door open with the offer that you’re there to help when they are ready
And unjust as it may seem, be prepared to be recast in the role of Persecutor. The victim may interpret your actions as hostile criticism and rejection. Once again their inability to deal with this openly will send them in the pursuit of yet another Rescuer to start yet another game.
In the next newsletter (
Part 3) we’ll take a closer look at how triangulation plays out across the whole organisation. I'll share a few strategies to help you deal more effectively with "viral conflict" and the toxic culture it creates.
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